I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
