I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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