I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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