so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
