Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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