I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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