We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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