My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
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My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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