apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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