i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
