i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
