These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
