who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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