just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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