Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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