you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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