I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Drake has all the answers
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
