I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
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He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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