I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
