i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
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i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
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Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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