I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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