I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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