I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I can't put those talents on a resume
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
