Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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