My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
