i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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