remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
