I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
