the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
