The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
