Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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