If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
