I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
