Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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