so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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