I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
