I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
