Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
