I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
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So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
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It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Pooping to opera.
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