Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
