put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
