the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
