You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My vagina is officially offended.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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