This is not my ceiling
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
