glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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