Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
