You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
