Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
