I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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