i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
