He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
