I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
honey bunches of taint.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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