OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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