Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize