Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
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she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
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A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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