I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
