Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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