Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
